Some days the words won’t come

Today, I want to write more about The Truth.  I want to focus on a time in this life when I felt safe.  When I was learning.  When I thought any Dom that took me under his wing would be honest.  Would care for me as I cared for him.  Would never make promise after promise and never keep them.  Today, I have so many life changes being thrown at me all at once, that I am caught up in my feels.  I don’t have the words to write about The Truth today.  I’m emotional.  I am so fucking sick and tired of being used in ways I i-waited-and-waited-for-minutes-for-hours-for-days-but-all-i-had-was-silencehave not permitted.  I’m tired of caring for someone and giving.  Always giving of my time, my body, my service and even small chunks of my heart and only being cast to the side until he is bored again.

I have not spoken of him yet, but if I had half of the fucking balls that I pretend to have in my professional life, I would tell Kuwaiti Master (where he was deployed, not symbolic of his nationality)….

I am NOT a god damn toy for you to pick up and use when you are bored.  I am NOT someone that you can use for things, for your amusement, and then cast aside.  I am NOT someone that is stupid.  You think because I submit to you that I am below average intelligence?  Think again asshole.  Don’t expect me to play my part while you are auditioning others for my role.  You think I don’t know that you lie every time you tell me that there are no others?  That I am the only submissive you have?  Want their names?  I know.  Don’t underestimate me because I am quiet.  I know more than I say, think more than I speak, notice more than you realize.  You hurt me.  You hurt me every time you promise me something and then never do it.  I am done waiting.  I am done with lies.  I am done with you always leaving me in subdrop, while expecting me to provide you with undying service and care.

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